059-the-goal-of-the-parent-child-relationship-is-not-obedience-but-wholeness

In traditional family education, many parents treat obedience as the highest goal.

If the child obeys, he is a good child.

If the child does not talk back, he is sensible.

If the child follows the parents’ arrangements, he has a promising future.

If the child does not make the parents worry, he is successful.

But if the greatest virtue of a child’s life is obedience,

is that truly the success of education?

A child who only knows how to obey

may not dare to express his true thoughts.

May not dare to refuse unreasonable demands.

May not dare to explore what he truly loves.

May not dare to take responsibility for his own life.

May grow up still living inside other people’s expectations.

He may appear to have no problem,

but inside, he may have no self.

Obedience is not the sign of a mature personality.

Sometimes obedience is merely the result of fear.

When a child is required to obey for a long time,

what he learns is not judgment,

but submission.

Not responsibility,

but pleasing.

Not self-discipline,

but suppression.

Not love,

but fear of losing love.

Family civilization must redefine the goal of the parent-child relationship.

The goal is not for the child to forever obey the parents.

The goal is for the child to become a whole person.

What is a whole person?

He has a self, and he can love others.

He has boundaries, and he can build connections.

He can think independently, and he can respect different views.

He can express emotions, and he can regulate emotions.

He can endure frustration, and he can keep hope.

He knows who he is, and he is willing to take responsibility for his choices.

Such a child may not always obey.

But he will become increasingly mature.

He may disagree with his parents,

but he does not rebel for the sake of rebellion.

He may walk his own path,

but this is not ingratitude.

He may refuse unreasonable demands from his parents,

but this is not unfilial behavior; it is a boundary of personality.

What parents should truly pursue

is not to cultivate a child who forever submits to them,

but to raise a person who, even when no longer dependent on them, can live honestly, bravely, lovingly, and responsibly.

When a child grows up,

he can be self-disciplined without parental supervision;

he can make choices without parental arrangement;

he can take responsibility without parental control;

he can love others without parental command.

This is the true success of family education.

If a child merely obeys

but loses himself,

that is not education. It is domestication.

If a child merely becomes excellent

but has no capacity for happiness,

that is not success. It is emptiness.

If a child merely satisfies the parents’ expectations

but spends his life not knowing who he is,

that is not filial piety. It is the sacrifice of life.

Family civilization must help parents complete a profound transformation:

From “I want my child to listen to me”

to “I want to help my child become himself.”

From “I want to control my child’s life”

to “I want to accompany my child as he grows his own personality.”

From “My child belongs to me”

to “My child comes into the world through me, but will ultimately belong to himself.”

When parents can accept this,

the parent-child relationship truly begins to move from control toward civilization.